Koan: In the dark, darken further

There’s an important conversation that I’ve been waiting a while for the chance to have. I finally had it Friday morning. Conditions were sub optimal. I knew that going in. But the alternative was to push it out another three weeks and I didn’t want to do that.

It didn’t go great. It also didn’t go poorly. I didn’t get want I wanted out of it. I didn’t get rebuffed. No doors were closed. To the contrary, there’s a path forward. It’s just not quite the path I’d envisioned. Still, afterwards I felt bad. Deflated. A bit of existential dread. In the dark. 

As luck would have it, shortly afterwards I went off to have a conversation about koans. There I was introduced to “In the dark, darken further.” Huh…
Next on my calendar was a float in an isolation tank.  Not something I do every day. Or ever, really. Let me assure you, it’s dark in there. 

Anyway, on my way there, my wife called. Her dad is dying. Nothing new. He’s been dying. In a way that feels maddening to her. He’s going…no, not yet. He’s going…no, not yet. But now he’s not taking liquids, so soon, probably, it’ll come. Dark for her. Dark for me, too.

This koan and I have only just met. Come Wednesday, I’m not sure how we’ll feel about one another. For now, it feels like good company.

Jonathan

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